It’s Not About the Toilet Paper: The Structure of Relational Intelligence
Let’s talk about the toilet paper roll. Over or under?
For reasons I don’t fully understand, this question has divided households since probably 1857, the year Google tells me toilet paper was invented. But spoiler alert: it’s never really about the toilet paper.
Same goes for a lot of conflict—at work, at home, in our closest relationships.
We get caught up in the content of the disagreement ("You were rude!" "No, I wasn’t, I was just being funny!") and miss what’s actually fueling the tension: hurt feelings, and unmet needs.
Which brings me to... diagramming sentences.
Unless you’re strongly into Laura Ingalls Wilder or, like me, grew up with a brilliant BFF named Angela who could diagram a sentence faster than Ma could churn butter, this concept may not have crossed your adult mind in decades.
Diagramming sentences might seem like a quaint relic, but hear me out. It’s a pretty great metaphor for relational intelligence and communication that actually works.
Grammar Lessons, Powerful Communication Edition
When you diagram a sentence, especially when learning a new language, you realize it’s not just a random string of words. It follows a system; there’s structure.
Every sentence needs a subject and a verb. (Sometimes an object, too.) Someone has to do something. You can swap in any Tom, Dick, or Harry you want, but the underlying structure stays the same.
Navigating conflict is no different.
You can change the topic (you yell too much, you’re disrespectful, ketchup must be thrown out after its expiration date). Still, if you’re not speaking in active voice with emotional ownership and clarity about what you feel, need, or want, the structure falls apart. What’s left is blame, vagueness, and assumption.
Stay with me, I promise I’ll explain.
Active Voice = Taking Responsibility
In grammar, passive voice sounds like: “Mistakes were made.”
In communication that lacks responsibility, it sounds like: “You made me feel X.” “Everyone knows you can’t eat expired ketchup.”
In both cases, the subject—the person who is irked—disappears.
Now compare that to relationally intelligent active voice: “I felt frustrated when I didn’t hear back.” “I was overwhelmed and needed clarity.” “I’m worried when you eat expired ketchup because I care about your health.”
See the difference? One points fingers. The other owns.
Here’s the first big takeaway: powerful communication stays in first-person, active voice. (e.g., “I-statements.”)
It doesn’t mean you can’t name the impact or ask for change. It just means you take responsibility for your side of the equation. That can feel and be hard, but it’s also where our power lives.
It’s Not About the Content. It’s About You and Them.
Back to the toilet paper. Or the Slack message. Or the dishes. That’s the content. But the content is never the real problem. The dynamic is.
This brings me to my second point: are you communicating about yourself: what you feel, and what you need? Or, are you making toilet paper–level judgments about what’s “right” (over, obviously) and what’s “wrong” (under, chaos!)?
The concept of a dialectical worldview is that seemingly contradictory ideas can all be true, and that understanding these tensions is key to a deeper understanding of the world. In other words, one person’s right is another person’s left, and that’s just fine and dandy.
A lot of content isn’t even objective, like, is rinsing the dishes before loading the dishwasher a helpful pre-wash or pointless time suck?
A friend recently asked me if his behavior toward someone else was “acceptable,” and we concluded: even if we ran a Family Feud survey and 95 out of 100 people said his actions were totally fine, what good is this external validation when his friend is still hurt? And even if there is some sort of expertise involved, like if the Maytag Man insists you don’t need to pre-rinse your dishes, beware of the trap of choosing to be “right” over your relational happiness.
If you’re stuck in a debate about who’s right, you might be missing the more meaningful lever: getting above the content and into what really matters.
Here's the good stuff: How do I feel? What do I need? What request can I make that’s clear, respectful, and doable for the other person?
Relational intelligence means shifting your focus from the content of the argument to the structure of the relationship.
Here are some examples that shift from content-focused to relationship-aware communication:
“You’re not pulling your weight.” → “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and could use more clarity on how we’re dividing things up.”
“That’s not how we do things.” → “I care about consistency and shared standards. Can we talk about how we’re approaching this?”
“You’re overreacting.”→ “I can tell this matters to you. I want to understand what’s going on under the surface.”
“Eating expired ketchup is fine!” →> “I know you worry about my health, but I value making my own decisions.”
Powerful Communication = Clear Grammar
Next time you find yourself in a hard conversation, try this quick check:
Am I speaking in first person?
Am I using active voice? (E.g. “I-statements.”)
Am I debating the content (toilet paper… over or under)?
Or am I naming what’s really at stake in our dynamic: how I feel, what I need, and what the other person might be able to do to support that?
Your communication will be stronger when you speak from ownership. Your relationships will be deeper when you address the relationship, not just the topic. And best of all? No one has to lose the toilet paper war.
It Was Never About the Toilet Paper Anyway
If this feel awkward to practice in real life? That tracks.
Most of us weren’t taught how to interact like this. We learned to argue about dishes, or Slack tone, or whether that ketchup is actually “bad.” And tbh, it’s often easier to fight about condiments than say, “I feel unacknowledged.”
But when we pause and zoom out, when we pay attention to what’s under the content, our communication shifts. We stop trying to win the moment and start trying to understand each other. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. That’s relational intelligence.
And look, you don’t need to diagram every sentence to get there. Just maybe keep an eye on when you're debating the issue, and missing the real message.
Vanessa is an Executive and Leadership Coach and founder of V & CO Coaching, where she helps the overachieving and underfulfilled develop self-leadership skills so they can make their unique impact on the world. While she has never, to her knowledge, argued about toilet paper orientation, she fully admits to a checkered past of snarking about the strategic placement of household items.
